Independence is still the bullseye.

we may have a new name, but...

do not kick this one down the road please

“Why are you in such a good mood today, Ted?”.

By now I should have learned not to get my hopes up, right? It’s not like this is the first time that I felt a change was afoot.

And generally speaking, change doesn’t show up for the date.

But I don’t let that get me down. And I won’t this time either, even if it is another no-show.

The way I feel about things has been my force. I am passionate. And committed. And perhaps a bit romantic. I want things to be better. I see how they could be better. I see how we can build towards that better place, together.

I want to do that building. I want to do it now.

But why aren’t all the other kids getting to the ballfield at 8A? Think of all the fun we can have if we do. Is this another morning where I spend the first hour ruining another bat as I smash rocks into the clouds?

I remember when I was back home visiting for the first time since fully moving out. I was full of energy for what I thought the era was going to offer – and I wanted to be part of it. John Lennon – one of my heroes – had just been murdered though. I went from bewilderness to sadness to anger to commitment.

The loss of my first hero (well, second after my dad) made me want to contribute to the world even more than I had ever before contemplated. The killing made no sense, but I had already accepted that our world made no sense and never would. After the other steps, the loss made clear how important a certain feeling was to me; I wanted to put something positive and real out there. I wanted to be additive. I didn’t know where my way in was, but I didn’t want to wait any longer. I had just started college, but I was recognizing I already wanted to leave it.

At eighteen, I was already worn out with delaying things.

To deal with the murder, I reached out to talk to a friend of mine who I thought was creative. He had a band. He too liked a wide range of music, including the more abrasive stuff that I felt was defining our time. It was rare to have brave taste, and I wanted to keep the good ones close. I was revved up, on fire with the possibility of things to come.

He spoke of wanting to get a job. That was his goal.

Our disconnect resonated. We don’t stay in touch anymore, but I know he’s made a lot of money. Good for him. He also started with a lot of money, so…well… it must have influenced him a bit. But it surprised me he wanted a job when he didn’t really need one. I was without any funds whatsoever, but I didn’t want to think about living for a job. I could feel a change coming, and I wanted to hop on that train.

I could catalogue the number of times I felt something was happening, but it wasn’t really – at least not at the scale I thought it was. But I can also consider the times I was right. And those have been life-changing for me. Am I wrong to think we are on the verge of another one now?